Overcoming imposter syndrome

I read the following by Neil Gaiman and it made me feel better.

"Some years ago, I was lucky enough to be invited to a gathering of great and good people: artists and scientists, writers and discoverers of things. And I felt that at any moment they would realise that I didn’t qualify to be there, among these people who had really done things.

On my second or third night there, I was standing at the back of the hall, while a musical entertainment happened, and I started talking to a very nice, polite, elderly gentleman about several things, including our shared first name. And then he pointed to the hall of people, and said words to the effect of, “I just look at all these people, and I think, what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.”

And I said, “Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.”

And I felt a bit better. Because if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups, only people who had worked hard and also got lucky and were slightly out of their depth, all of us doing the best job we could, which is all we can really hope for."

If both Neil Gaiman and Neil Armstrong have imposter syndrome, surely there is hope for the rest of us. It doesn't necessarily remove this feeling, but it helps knowing there are people who achieved great things feeling what the rest of "ordinary" folks feel like. I put ordinary in quotation marks because I don't truly believe anyone on this planet is just ordinary. We all do ordinary things in our own way and that makes us all extraordinary.

I have had this thing I later discovered was called imposter syndrome for as long as I can remember. Not sure where or how it began. Even in school when someone would say, "that piece you drew looks so cool" or "hey you killed it out there on the badminton court today", I would think 'I'm sure one of these days they'll figure out I'm just winging it, I'm not really good at any of this'. Probably some childhood trauma to explore there with those not good enough feelings. This imposter syndrome carried on with me to university, to my first job, my 2nd job and all the way to my current job. Anxiously waiting for the day someone points a finger at me and yells "imposter!!"

This feeling has held me back and kept me stuck in comfort zones for way too long. Jobs that should have been left well before I decided it was time to forge new paths, relationships that withered long ago, art projects left unfinished or not started. I was in my cozy comfort zone pretending it was all good. I overstayed my welcome in the cozy comfort corner, why? A huge part of it was because of fear of not being good enough. (Add perfectionist to the mix and you have a recipe for self-loathing) That's what this imposter syndrome ultimately boiled down to, not feeling good enough for new and better opportunities. It wasn't that the world was telling me I wasn't good enough, it was me telling my own frightened self that I wasn't worthy of persuing my dreams.

Like any self evaluation that leads to maturing and growth, overcoming this feeling is a journey, not a destination, but something started to shift recently. As I gave myself permission to explore who I am as a person, to make mistakes because we all do, I started accepting these new versions of myself. Maybe they weren't new versions either. They were all Biljana's I had met before. She was just buried beneath 36 layers of shadow and guilt. Out came Biljana the artist, Biljana the supply chain and logistic professional, Biljana the philosopher, Biljana the free spirit, Biljana the beautiful soul who was ready to accept all different versions of herself so far discovered and yet to be explored. The ultimate lesson, self love and acceptance.

Biljana the artist today wants to explore plein-air painting, and I'm again battling imposter syndrome. One of the biggest things holding me back is that plein-air painting involves being outside in nature and potentially people. Eeeeeekkkk....people!!!! Lol. In the back of my mind all I hear is "judgement!!" That's why I say, this is a journey not a destination. Something will always come across that will make you feel uncomfortable or not good enough, but reminding yourself that nothing good grows in comfort zones and whatever you try takes patience and practice is already being halfway there. That new thing you try today might be your thing for life.

I'm going to share some pictures below. If you made it this far in the post, thank you!!! Sending some much needed love to you all. 💗

I've been experimenting with gouache, finished a sketchbook, got a new sketchbook, did some short and local plein-air stuff so there's lots in the mix here.

Finished sketchbook. Took 6 months.

This is a medium Moleskine